for my next birthday

For my next birthday, I am asking for a nap.

Not just a regular nap.  A nap where I don’t have to share blankets and pillows and bed space.  A nap where no one talks or screams.  A nap where no one is touching me.

If the nap works out, next I would like to go away.  By myself.  Again, without screaming or hitting or shoving.  If I have to go with someone, could I request that it be my husband? Though I adore our time together once the kids have fallen asleep, it would be nice to remember what it’s like to shop or walk or eat without small humans to look after.

After I get to be alone and once I can spend some time with my husband, I’d really like a friend.  I would like to laugh until I cry.  I want to eat junk food until my yoga pants won’t further stretch.

After all of that, I would like a pan of brownies with 30 candles to blow out.  I want to hear my family and my friends- all at once- in the same room.  I want to hug people and tell them how much I love when they make me feel special, not just on my birthdays, but every day in between.

Next year, I want to shred the guilt that I’ve been carrying after the “worst mom ever” plaques were awarded today.  Because, at least for today, I wanted these little people to nap.  I wanted them to sing and smile with me.  I hoped they wouldn’t hit or scream or throw things at me when their juice wasn’t poured quickly enough.

Next year, I don’t want to be angry with myself for not loving every second of my time with them because… that’s okay.

Next year, I want to remind myself that I’m a pretty good mom, that I try my best and that I am not going to screw this up.

Next year, I don’t want the mom I hate being to show up.  Leave her out of it.  Tell her she’s off for the day.  Because, for just one day I want to do it perfectly.

I want all of the tears and guilt and anger washed away next year.  I want it to be easy.

So… here’s to being 29.  Living the life.  Living the mom-life that I never dreamed I wanted, but would never give away.  Knowing that tomorrow is a new day.  Feeling blessed to be given another day to start again, hug my monsters and know that everything will be okay.